I tossed and turned all night, my mind kept awake by my stomach – a washing machine – tossing and turning its contents twice as much as I turned over in the bed. I got up late and braved the fly infested shower – it looked like it hadn’t been used in over a decade. The drain was a hole in the floor.
Caligula was missing. But it wasn’t hard to guess what had happened to him. After Tiberius and I had checked out and got ourselves breakfast, he made contact with us and we met him at a baguette stall where he recounted his story of the previous night.
THE FOLLOWING NARRATIVE HAS BEEN CONSTRUCTED WITH THE INFORMATION PROVIDED BY CALIGULA. IT HAS BEEN CHANGED TO 3RD PERSON NARRATIVE. EVIDENCE MAY BE SUBJECT TO PERSONAL BIAS.
Seneca and Tiberius were heading back to the hostel with banana and nutella pancakes. Seneca was pretty out of it after falling asleep on a squatting toilet.
But Caligula wasn’t ready for the night to end. He had acquired some new comrades and wanted to take on Vang Vieng.
Caligula and his comrades entered a bar where a very drunken game of pool ensued. Caligula was fond of pool, but there were too many people playing for his liking. A massive queue was forming around the pool table. Everyone was in Caligula’s way. Caligula was too drunk for this. It was the worst game of pool ever.
After the worst game of pool ever, Caligula smoked opioids for the first time. He and his comrades got two opioid cigarettes between the four of them. They were like normal cigarettes but “dipped in some sort of opioid liquid.” Caligula liked it. It was like a warm hug. But to his great dismay, the opioids wore off after only 4 minutes.
One of Caligula’s new comrades was from Leicester, another was from Malaysia, and another was a Canadian girl. The Canadian girl told Caligula that the police had warned her only the previous day – ‘don’t EVER do drugs in Laos again otherwise you’ll be sent to prison.’ But of course, it is worth risking prison for a toke on the opioid spliff.
Caligula told the guy from Leicester he would meet him early in the morning. They would get bikes and shoot off to the blue lagoon. In hindsight, Caligula admits that this was absolute bullshit drunk talk and never had a chance of happening. The guy from Leicester went home.
Caligula stood on the street outside the bar with the Canadian girl. He noticed she was staring at him. ‘Shall I kiss you?’ he said. She gave an emphatic ‘YES’. They made-out in the street.
Then the Malaysian guy appeared and wanted to come with them wherever they were going. This guy can’t seem to read the situation, Caligula thought. They ditched him and made off through the streets of Vang Vieng together. Caligula and the Canadian girl.
The Canadian girl informed Caligula that she had autism. Caligula wouldn’t believe it. He told her she couldn’t have autism. She definitely wasn’t autistic. But this only made the Canadian girl begin to think that Caligula had autism himself.
Wandering the streets of Vang Vieng in the dead of night with the Canadian girl by his side, Caligula suddenly spotted a hotel. ‘Let’s go there,’ he said, and in they went. Not to emerge until late the next morning.
HERE ENDS THE NIGHT OF CALIGULA.
The rest of the day was mostly uneventful, but I did meet with a Laotian guy to arrange our transport to the capital tomorrow. I was originally planning to rush ahead of the others, get to Vientiane today and spend two full days there. But that was when we were still a quadrumvirate rather than just a triumvirate. And everything is going rather smoothly at the moment; I want to keep it that way. So I spent another day poking around Vang Vieng, tried my first rice cake which was as sticky as it was tasty, and had a fine yellow curry for supper.
The Laotian guy I booked tomorrow’s bus with was the friendliest guy I’ve met out here so far. He’s a big fan of English people and told me he’s trying to learn the language. His English seemed more or less perfect to me… I genuinely feel the people of Laos are more friendly than those of Thailand…
